First You Escape Poverty, Then Comes The Guilt
I spent the majority of the first 20 years of my life living in poverty, and I didn’t even know it. Most people who live in poor neighborhoods don’t realize how bad they have it, mostly because everyone around you and most people that you meet through your life appears to be facing the same struggles that you are, it all seems pretty normal. Also, some are doing even worse than you are so you feel that you can’t be doing too bad, or at least not as bad as those with greater struggles. This was my reality, I grew up in a drug and crime-infested section of the Bronx, for many years our family did well enough to get by under our circumstances, and I accepted it as just the way things were meant to be. I always consider myself a very ambitious, self-motivated, and hard-working person, but still, I don’t remember a time then when I even pictured life in an environment that was not drugs and crime-infested. This was my world and I accepted the inevitability that I needed to do the best that I could do within it.
When I was younger, leaving the Bronx never crossed my mind, growing up I had people that I grew to respect and even admire for one reason or another. There was this thought in the back of my mind that persisted, if those people who I thought so highly of could not make it out of this environment, what the hell makes me think I can do better?
Once I made it out, excitement and reality sets in
When I moved out of the Bronx to South Jersey it was unplanned, a family member offered me a low-paying job in a factory and a place to stay, since was unemployed at the time I felt that it was the opportunity I could not pass up, and part of me felt very strongly that it might be the only opportunity I’d get to leave the old neighborhood. The thought of starting a new job, in a faraway place free of chaos and distractions felt like a golden opportunity, I don’t even think I asked what the pay was before I accepted the position, I didn’t care, I wanted a chance to make it out.
Once I was working and getting used to my new environment, I had to face some odd realities, life was going to be very different, and possibly, very long. As crazy as it sounds, I did not imagine what life would be like after maybe my 30’s, a lot of people where I came from did not make it to see 50, but I was no longer in that environment, and I had to prepare for my new reality. I began to work on fixing my credit and saving money to settle into my new life, it was as scary as it was exciting to be able to plan and work towards long-term goals.
The feeling that I can’t be seen as a sell-out was self-inflicted guilt
Almost immediately after moving out of the Bronx, I began to visit my old neighborhood frequently. I would visit every single weekend, even before I got my first car. I would visit friends, family, and even just hang out in front of the same bodegas that I would when I still lived in the neighborhood. Part of me was homesick and wanted that feeling of being somewhere I knew, a part of me still did not feel like I fit in or even belonged in my new suburban neighborhood, and then a part of me that was afraid to look like a sell-out. I felt that if I wasn’t visible and seen in the neighborhood I would not be welcome back if things fell apart for me, and there was always that feeling that I was always one bad decision away from being back in the hood.
Accepting my success set the stage for guilt
After a few years, as I continued to work hard and gain financial stability, family, and growth I began to feel successful. It’s funny, most people would consider leaving such a bad neighborhood success in itself, but I never felt that I left for good, I always felt that I needed to work even harder to make sure I did not end up back where I started. I can remember the first time I visited my family, who still lived in the same neighborhood that I left behind, and thought to myself, damn I wish I could bring them with me, that was the first time that I realized that I had made it out. But the guilt never went away, once I accepted that I was truly in a better place, I felt guilty that I could not say the same for my mother, my brother, my aunt’s and my grandmother, they were still there and dealing with the environment that I now knew was not normal, it was not safe. Every visit back came with the same guilt, the guilt that I was coming home to a safe, spacious, comfortable environment, and leaving them behind.
I struggled to embrace my new sense of security
I always knew that I could survive in the worse environments, I always felt that because I came from the bottom, that I could make it through anything. It took me a very long time to realize that that mentality did not only motivate me to do better, but I also did not just believe I could make it in the worse environments, part of me always felt that it was where I belonged. It is such a difficult feeling to explain to those who have not experienced it, but the combination of so many you knew that did not make it out of that environment, your family who is still there, you always have that feeling that all is temporary and you will inevitably be back where you started. It is a feeling I pushed to the back of my mind constantly, I did not want to have it, but it was always present. At times I have had setbacks that I accepted prematurely, I had that feeling of, ok this is how it starts because that feeling in the back of my mind would creep forefront and make me feel like the inevitable has finally happened, in reality, I was sabotaging my success.
As I continue to push forward, 16 years detached from that neighborhood that I never thought I would leave, I still struggle with the guilt of my success. I have accepted it as a feeling that will most likely never go away, but instead need to deal with it head-on and not allow it to impair my judgment. I have learned not to take success for granted, coming from the neighborhood I come from it is easy not to fear failure, because you know you can deal with anything, but that isn’t healthy.
It is important to fear failure, accept success as earned and not luck, and not be held back by self-imposed guilt. These are things that most people may find easy, and may even struggle to understand how someone from such a challenging environment would not have these feelings naturally. But coming from poverty is not only challenging, for many, it is also traumatizing in ways that are not obvious or easy to describe. Those who face these challenges every day must face them in their own way, as I do, and try not to make the same mistakes of so many who ended up back in the poor neighborhoods that they worked so hard to escape.
